I have no spine.

So, I need to confess something. I don't do well in horror movies.

I'm one of those girls that loses her head completely, and everyone around her wishes that she was in the movie so that her hysterical ass would become brutally murdered, just so she can stop freaking screaming.

Paranormal activity? One, two, three AND four? Yeah, saw them all. Screeched uncontrollably throughout all of them.

One time, during my junior year of high school, my best friend Kelli and I went on a double date. The two guys were like yeah, we are gonna see Quarantine, no doubt hoping that we would just cuddle up to them and say "oh my, I'm so scared, hold me!" That's not what happened. I was huddled in a tiny ball on my chair, CURSING like a sailor, with my head in my shirt and alternating through primary songs. Four years later, I am still having nightmares about that. I also had to sleep BY MY MOTHER that night and hold her hand. I was 17.

The Grudge is quite possibly the reason most asians freak me out.

The Ring is the contributing factor towards me not wanting to look down a well.

When A Stranger Calls has solidified my anxiety towards babysitting in any manner.

Insidious legitimately freaked me out, until you saw the boogeyman sewing while "Tiptoe Through The Tulips" was playing.

Saw III the EDITED version had me hiding behind the couch with my thumbs in my ears chanting "la la la la la la la la I CAN'T HEAR IT la la la la la!!!" like a three year old.

Just yesterday I watched The Crazies with my good friend Amy. We came in 45 minutes into it, while it was on TV, with 10 minute long commercial breaks every 5 minutes, and I still screamed like a banshee.

Kelli and I also had the bright idea that The Silence Of The Lambs would be a good movie to watch, because it's a "classic". I'm never speaking to any human being, or I'll get the hose again.

I forced myself to fall asleep in both The Strangers and Texas Chainsaw Massacre so I wouldn't have to watch it. It was the moment that the girl pulled a gun out of her snatch and shot herself with it that did it for me. Some things cannot be unseen.

I'm not even gonna try Amityville Horror.

Let's be for real. 1408 was just retarded. John Cusack? Try John Douchesack. heh heh.

Cabin in the Woods sucked 2 hours out of my life that I will never get back.

This all has lead me to the conclusion that I get frightened quite easily. I was browsing through my Netflix, and saw that the Great Mouse Detective was available to watch instantly. I vaguely remember things here and there (the cogs to a clock, a pipe, a dancing pink toy, etc.), but I mainly remember it scaring the crap out of me when I was like, 7. So, I decide to watch it.

Holy hell.

Let me tell you how this starts out. There is a cute little mouse toymaker and his painfully adorable mouse daughter, and he makes her a little dancing ballerina for her birthday. They're in his shop, and she gives him a huge hug saying thank you over and over, when all of a sudden the door starts to shake violently. The dad puts his daughter into a cupboard, right as a giant creepy-ass BAT FACE come bursting through the window, with a terrifying sneer on his face!

You hear a ruckus, and the daughter opens the cupboard door, and you see the shadows of this bat seriously manhandling this poor little mouse. A table flies against the cupboard door, shoving her back in, and then you hear pleas from the father followed by a raspy, maniacal laugh from creeper bat, then all is silent. She finally gets the cupboard door open, and the shop is empty and her father is gone.

That's how it starts.

Thanks a lot, Disney, for giving me panic inducing nightmares at the age of 21.

I Find Things Humorous.

Some days are suuuuper crappy. I myself seem to have an abnormal amount of those days. How do I deal? I look at my collection of hilarious photos. So, if you are having a day that has gone to shit, here is a way to lift yourself up. PS I own none of these, so don't go freaking out about copyright issues and sue my broke ass. (36 cents in my bank account, woot woot!)

Sometimes, I wonder about myself.

I was late to class the other day. Would you like to know why? K cool.

I recently came down with a cold (yaaayyy), and left work two hours early. This meant I could take a two hour nap! Oh, the excitement! I set an alarm for an hour before class.

I was late for class. But, not for the reason you would think. My alarm went off just fine. I got ready on time, was on schedule, even ate something. As I go to open the door, the doorknob won't turn.

I lied. It will turn, just enough to give me a nice tease, but not enough to open the actual door. I start to panic, making my hands sweat, and forcing my grip to ease on my doorknob.

I then run to Kelli's room, wake her up from her blissful and precious sleep, in order to OPEN A DOOR. She can't get it either. I then start laughing at the stupidity of being locked INSIDE your apartment.

She was unamused.

She then suggested climbing out the master bedroom window. Genius! We climb out (I have zero documented proof of this at this time because Kelli was much too grumpy with me.) and our neighbor was laughing uncontrollably at us.

I bail, saying I was already late for a class that I really needed to go to. I come home after school to find our door intact, but with this lovely sight.

 

Why, yes, that IS zebra duct tape, because we are classy ladies. I got the low-down from Kelli, and it turns out that our Herculean neighbor had to lift the door off of its hinges in order to allow access in and our of our apartment.

 

 

We informed our landlords. They are unamused.

Hi, I'm Kalee, and I have Mono.

So, I feel the need to tell an anecdote from my life. This, ladies and gents, is how I contracted the virus with a bad rap, mono.

I had just moved out with my best friend, Kelli. When I moved out we had JUST (literally, 3 days ago) graduated high school. (Dear Timpanogos, you can kiss my ass. :O) We moved into the first place we saw (mistake much?) and had it made. Only problem was....I had no job. Huh. I used all my graduation money to buy groceries, and my mom's graduation present was my rent paid through the summer.

Sweet! I didn't have to find a job until September! Except that I was soon bored out of my head, sitting at home doing nothing. I had no car, so I couldn't leave (unless I wanted to WALK. Eff that ish.), I wasn't in school, so I would sit at home with my awkward roommates until Kelli got home from work.

So, hence the job hunt. I was actually incredibly lucky, and walked into the current place that I work, and basically had interview #1 on the spot. Two days later, I was employed! Woo Hoo!

A couple months go by. I start feeling a little run down, but whatevs. I'm living the dream! I go on a couple dates with this random kid I went to high school with, but never actually spoke to. (He had a motorcycle. Need I say more?)

One day, I woke up feeling like absolute death. It felt as if my upper abdominal organ were swelling to an abnormal size, and were wanting to escape from my body. Oh well, suck it up. An hour before my shift, I start to walk over to my mom's office on campus.

I soon realize I can't even walk without feeling like every vital organ in my body is soon going to either burst outwards from me, Alien style, or come shooting out my butthole, Taco Bell style.

I make it to my mom's office, and she sees my white and sweaty face from the effort it took to even stand up correctly. She then asks me if I'm okay, to which I nod, and then burst into tears.

Sigh. My mother, being the amazing worry-wart that she is, decides to take me to the ER. I choke out to her that I need to call my work, because my shift starts in....ten minutes. She makes the call, and says, and I quote, "Hi, yes, this is Rebecca Brimhall, Kalee's mom. She can't come into work. She is on her way to the emergency room."

Thanks mom! :)

I arrive to the emergency room, doing my gender proud and still sobbing as if my arm just got ripped off, and they see me. I tell them my symptoms, and my doctor decides to run some blood tests.

Now. I am okay with needles. They don't bother me. I'm even semi-okay with pain. It's blood that I have realized I can't handle. This baffles me, because I can watch Gladiator, CSI, House, all dat shit until I die. Something about seeing it in real life sort of freaks me out.

They try and draw blood from my little baby veins first starting with my right arm. After poking me 4 times, they realize that's not gonna work. They try the left arm. After another 3 pokes, they start to see success. I fill up about half a vial before it just stops. No matter how much they moved that pesky little needle (while still inside my arm, btdubs. That felt rad.), it would not start pumping again. Finally, they call in the big league, and he takes it from my wrist. Who knew you could do that?

By this time, my father had arrived. After three hours of waiting, with me laying on the bed and staring at the ceiling and my parents intently watching an ant carry a crumb across the floor, the verdict arrives.

I have mono. That was a fun diagnosis with my father sitting right there.

To this day, I legitimately have NO idea how I got it. I had not kissed a boy in months. (Sad, I know.) I hadn't shared any drinks with random strangers, or with people I knew for that matter. One of life's little mysteries that I am going to ask the big man upstairs when I die. Right along with "Did OJ really do it?"

So, for the next week, I was confined to a couch, unable to move. Sounds like paradise right? No. I was getting all cray cray with my chronic boredom. The food network failed me for the first time like, ever. I literally had to crawl down the hallway to go to the bathroom.

I got lucky. I only was stuck in my comfortable prison for a week before I started to improve. Finally, when I was able to sit up, I realized I hadn't showered for 5 days, or eaten in 4. Mmmm. Dericious.

When thinking about food, the only thing I wanted was some KFC coleslaw and a Sprite. Don't ask me why, but nothing else would do.

Thus, my mono experience. One good thing that came from this: motorcycle guy? "Dumped" me (I use that term very loosely, because we were never dating), and then found out I had given him mono.

Heh heh.

Show me yo ugly face!

As a Mormon, I believe that God has given everyone talents. If we don't use those talents, he will take them away.

My talent is the ability to contort my face into some of the most horrific and grotesque expressions for my own amusement. Many a time have I been in a terrible mood, and I do my Conehead Demon face, and my day is instantly better.

So this is me, and a few of my friends who share this amazing talent, making faces.

Enjoy. I know I will.

 

My BFF Kelli and I at our finest.

 

Just channeling some Chris Farley for ya!

 

Why...hello there...

 

 

As if Pig Faced Joe got socked in the snout.

 

Mmmm Hmmm.

 

Try and contain yourselves.

Look at those chins multiply!



 

If you are wondering why tattoos are sprouting out of my...bosom...we were at a white trash themed 21st birthday. It seemed appropriate.

 

And Jordan wanted in on the fun!

 

Photobombin it up!

 

I am going to eat your soul.

 

I only surround myself with the best.

 

Impressive.

 

I did not know anyones nose could twist that way.

 

And Jesse showing his true talents!

 

Jesse just lovin on some creeper Jordan.

 

Jordan and his classy as hell girlfriend Tori

 

We like to do weird things.

 

Aww my dear friend Shane.

 

Now children, note how her irises COMPLETELY disappear.

 

Kelli and I are lame in this one, the true gem is the child molester in the backseat. The more you look, the funnier it gets.

 

Shane approves.

 

HEH??

 

I woke up to this in a text message from my dear friend/coworker Amy.

 

Must...withhold...inappropriate...subtitle..ahh screw it. Shane's O-face.

 

Yuuup.

 

Impressive.

 

I especially enjoy the triangular face effect here.

 

Amy's best impression of a chipmunk.

 

And now she brings out her inner neanderthal!

 

My personal favorite.

 

You're welcome.

 

 

Ohh herro.

 

Legit rolled around on my bed maniacally laughing after this one.

 

Notice the two teeth showing.

 

Imagine loud Beevis-breathing with this one.

 

.......

 

 

 

 

Derp.

 

Why yes, I am capable of tucking my chin into my neck, making it disappear.

 

 

This is the "I find you attractive and shall now be awkward around you" face.

 

Kelli just noms on my ear.

 



 



Welp. There you have it. If any of you feel the need to send me some gnarly pics of yourselves (no nudes please. That's not how I roll. Don't make this weird.) I will post them on here if I feel they are up to par. Good night, and big balls.