I feel like I have something to share. There was this one time that I went on what is easily the worst date of my life. Maybe even the worst date in the history of the world. I dunno, you can be the judge of that. Anyways, let's share that experience with you.
So, I work in retail. Glamorous, I know. I'm not going to say where, they are slightly anal about things like that. This one day, I was stuck back at a desk for eight freaking hours making phone calls to the 1500 customers involved with this event we were having. Apparently sending out emails isn't enough for us.
Anywho, (wow I apologize. I seriously hate when people say that. #hypocrite.) I was making these calls and two guys walk in. One was....rotund. The other looked kind of like Jack Skellington. I'm required to greet every customer that comes in, so I sort of cheat and give a smile/nod combo. They wave back, and I instantly forget about it.
5 minutes later, I head up to the register to ring people up. Lo and behold, Jabba the Hut and the Pumpkin King are in my line. Mr Skellington makes a lame ass joke about how expensive the sheets he is buying are, I give him a pity laugh and tell him to pay. Politely, of course. They leave, I head back to my desk.
Another 5 minutes pass, and I look up from my phone call, and there is Jack. Standing awkwardly in front of my desk. I can't very well hang up the phone, so he waits another three minutes until I can actually talk.
"Did I forget to give you your receipt?" I ask him kindly. (I adopt this voice when at work, as if I am talking to a four year old. It's SUPER EFFECTIVE!)
"No, I was just wondering if you were seeing anyone," he answers.
LIE! LIE! LIE!
"...................no......." You imbecile.
"Oh, would you like to go on a date with me?"
Be a bitch and answer no. Just do it.
"Oh, umm...yeah, sure." Ugh. He then asks for my number, and I give it to him. Mistake.
The next day, he texts me and asks what I would like to do for a date. I tell him you know what, I'm not too picky. He then asks if I want to hike the Y. For those of you Utahns, it's a popular thing for active weirdies to do in Provo to hike to the Y on the mountain. I tell him oh hell to the no. My idea of a hike is to not go on one at all and watch the Lord of the Rings instead. So, I assume that we are doing some other first date activity, mini golf, dinner and a movie, bowling, etc.
We made plans for Friday. It's Tuesday. Three days is obviously too long to wait, so he moves it to Wednesday. He then comes and picks me up and reveals what we are doing. We are hiking the mother effing Y.
SERIOUSLY. Are you mentally handicapped? I flat out said no. I even threw profanity in there. The last time I hiked the Y, I was 13 and have blocked it out of my memory, for a good reason. We get there, and start going for it. Skellington keeps asking me question after question. I'm like k bro, I can't even breathe, let alone talk to you.
Two hours later, we reach the Y. I then start to find out a bit about him. Get ready for this, cause it's the kicker.
He doesn't know who Bob Marley is. Were you born in a cave? Even if you were, you would know who Bob Marley is.
He doesn't like Lord of the Rings. Let me sum this up: I own all three movies, I have them almost memorized (including the Elvish parts), I watch and quote them on a regular basis, and am having a love affair with Aragorn. Don't tell Arwen, she will break my shit off. (Yes, my life is sad.)
He doesn't even know what Harry Potter is about. .....kill yourself.
After the Harry Potter discovery, I decide it's time to bail. I make up some lame-o lie like I have work early or bullshit like that, and ask him to take me home. On the way back down, I ask him who his favorite super hero is. (Common first date question, obv.)
"Uhhhh........I dunno......."
What. Dafuh. Who the hell doesn't know who their favorite superhero is??? I ask him this exact question. He then tries to outnerd me.
"Well, if I did have one, it wouldn't be Harry Potter. Heh heh."
Kill yourself twice.
"K first of all, Harry Potter isn't a super hero. He's a wizard. There's a difference." That snappy comment got a strange look.
We finally get to the bottom of the hill, and I'm done. He keeps trying to keep up conversation, but I'm not having it. He then drops me off, and I trudge up to my doorstep, wanting to die.
In conclusion, my dear readers, these are the morals of the story:
NEVER take a girl on a date to hike the Y. (Unless she is in to that kind of freaky shit.)
NEVER give your number to someone who looks like a Tum Burton creation.
Read Harry Potter. Your life will be infinitely improved.
When encountered with an awkward, tall and gangly lurpy human (I'm starting to even lean more towards alien..) wanting to date you, ALWAYS lie and tell them you are in a relationship.
The end.
